By Floyd J. McIntyre, Pathetic Loser

It’s that time of year again. Lent is upon us and being the devout religious man I am, I force myself to go 40 days and nights without something in my life. That “something” is usually something I use or do every day, like drinking soda or snacking between meals. Most people decide to give up certain things in order to change their lifestyle. For example, I decided to give up Minecraft my freshman year of high school in order to focus on my grades. I bumped that 3.5 GPA up to a solid 3.7. This year, I decided to give up something that I use way too often and distracts me from my social life: social media.

Yeah, just like you and millions of other people around the world, I use social media for countless hours every day. I find myself scrolling through my Facebook feed between classes, during meals and all night while I’m laying on my couch at home. Instead of doing my homework ahead of time, I find out the weekly winner of the “Who Got Married or Had Another Kid” contest. After Facebook, it’s Twitter and the countless political debates. Then Instagram. Oh, another frat party. And finally Snapchat. Oh, it’s the same frat party, just with Drake blaring in the background. While everyone is out having the time of their lives, I’m cooped up in the darkness of my bedroom, staring blankly at my phone screen. This is the sad, pathetic life I live.

So I decided it was time to break out of my social media habits. No longer would I live an anti-social life. I logged out of all my social media accounts and virtually stopped using my phone altogether. I finally felt free of my social media habits. There’s just one problem. I have no friends, I’m part of no student organizations, I don’t talk to anyone in my classes, I hate pretty much everyone on campus and I don’t have any hobbies or interests to speak of. At the end of the day, I’m still a sad, pathetic loser. Oh well, at least I’ve got alcohol to fill the void social media filled for the next month or so.