All over this campus, I see nothing but filth and sin.

I speak of course of the rampant disrespect and lack of regard for one of our most sacred physical acts: the high five.

High fives were given to us in 1977 by God through His prophet, Dusty Baker of the Los Angeles Dodgers. Since then, this most holy act has been degraded by sinful liberals and dweeby losers who never do anything chill or rad.

 To illustrate the point of my holy crusade, I will give an example. On this very campus earlier today, I saw one young man high five another simply for getting the same thing that he did at Runza.  This action, while clearly lacking dopeness or radness, was rewarded with the same enthusiasm as if the young man had shotgunned a brew or swapped digits with a total dime piece, as if the high five meant nothing!

The careless actions of this man and others like him are destroying the sanctity of one of our most sacred physical signs of respect. I nearly crushed my soft drink in my hand with fury, but luckily I crushed the drink of the man next to me instead.

Even worse than this are those wretched sinners who engage in that most disgusting practice of “High Five Friday,” in which students stand out in front of the Nebraska Union indiscriminately high fiving one another in a manner more wanton than all the harlots of ancient Babylon could imagine. I wait only for the day the ground will open, swallowing them like a sin-flavored McFlurry into the hungry, hairy belly of Satan.

Hopefully one day the powers that be will wake up and realize that God is angry with us for our transgressions. Until then, I will watch helplessly as a sacred act is degraded into a senseless slap of flesh against flesh.