I’ll let you in on a little secret of mine: I absolutely LOVE romaine lettuce. I’ll eat romaine lettuce with, quite literally, ANYTHING. Hamburgers? Throw on a handful of that good stuff! Chicken tenders? I’ll pass on the fries, give me a heaping helping of romaine lettuce instead! Pizza? Hey, at least it isn’t pineapple! Romaine lettuce is one of my main food groups and I would do anything just to have the sweet, leafy taste of romaine in my mouth at all hours of the day. However, an organization called the Center for Disease Control (CDC) announced recently that I shouldn’t eat any romaine lettuce due to an E. coli outbreak and I could honestly not be more upset and angry with them trying to curb my romaine lettuce craving.

According to the Mayo Clinic, E. coli is a strain of bacterium that lives in the intestines of human beings which can be contracted from eating contaminated water or food, especially raw vegetables and meat. Some of the symptoms of E.coli include severe abdominal cramps, nausea, vomiting and diarrhea. Like, really CDC? I experience half of those symptoms every time I visit Taco Bell and it’s not like you’re telling Americans to not eat at Taco Bell. This is clearly a veiled attempt by the CDC, a government entity, need I remind you, to get me to stop eating so much romaine lettuce.

But guess what CDC? Nice try! I already went to Sam’s Club earlier today and bought literally every last bag of romaine lettuce I could get my hands on. The cashier warned me not to buy all this romaine lettuce, but nothing is stopping me! Not even this “E. coli” thing you speak of can keep me from consuming all the romaine lettuce within a 50 mile radius. I will NEVER stop eating romaine lettuce, no matter what anyone tells me. So, thanks, but no thanks, CDC.