Cabbage. Freaking cabbage. One of the least appetizing vegetables and someone decided to put it in a dry, multiple days old pizza crust with hot slimy beef for a filling.

I have had this debate over and over with other Nebraskans who defend this flaming hot pile of garbage until the day they die. I’m telling you for the last time, Runzas are just shitty Hot Pockets.

Now, I wouldn’t say I am a huge fan of the Hot Pockets either, but at least they have the decency to say “Hey, we know we aren’t your first choice for a meal, but we know you’re going to eat it anyway.”

Hot Pockets were the pioneers of different flavors, and Runza finally realized they couldn’t pawn off their beefy garbage as a Nebraskan tradition much longer. Then they introduced the “Cheese Runza,” which is essentially the original recipe with the moldy cheese they couldn’t sell on a cheeseburger slapped on the beef.

I don’t want to downgrade all Nebraska traditions; I have always loved the Huskers and a thick slice of Valentino’s on game day, but when did we lose our standards to allow Runzas to come about?

In fact, the only redeeming quality about Runzas is the “Temperature Tuesdays,” making customers pay only the amount of cents as the degrees outside. My advice: wait until it’s -20 degrees and force them to pay you, and hopefully, you can turn a profit on your food poisoning.