When it comes to conversations about the abundance of wildlife at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln, squirrels are always the favorite subject. Why is that?

Are they really any better than, say, the birds? It’s almost as if our brains have been conditioned to favor the fuzzy brown demons over any other creature, particularly ones with the power of flight. You may ask, who would do that? And why?

Well, I’m here to tell you. All of UNL’s birds are plastic. That’s right.

Have you ever really looked into the eyes of a campus bird? Like, really looked? They lack emotion, they lack drive and, ultimately, they lack humanity.

Unlike literally every other animal on the face of the earth, I have never once desired to pet these “birds.” Why there are no natural birds roaming around this particular area of Lincoln, I cannot say. I can definitively say, however, that our campus narrative neglects to include birds, unconsciously subjecting us to forgo the species as an important part of our university ecosystem. Nobody notices when they’re there and nobody notices when they’re gone.

Truthfully, I blame Ronnie Green.

Why is there a club dedicated to campus squirrels and not campus birds? Oh yeah, because they’re not real, and the Ronald doesn’t want us to figure it out. Well too late, pal. I know your secret.

So next time you see a “bird” meandering around campus, light the little guy on fire or something. See what happens.

(Spoiler alert: it’s just going to melt.)