At the risk of sounding akin to renowned walking sexual harassment case Casey Affleck, I’d like to say I love Dunkin’ Donuts. But I’d also like to add: What the hell?

I’m a hardworking Duncan, been so all my life. I grew up with grit and determination and a respect of freedom and rights. When I wanna get coffee I don’t want any of that hippie nonsense, I just want an honest drink, friend. I just want some burning and poorly mixed coffee to burn my already numb to high hell tongue in the morning.

That’s why I go to good ol’ Dunkin’ Donuts, it always delivers on the mediocrity and lack of change I desperately crave. So I’m here to say that I’m a God-fearing, upright working man who just wants what I Goddamn deserve, some discounted ass Dunkin’ Donuts.

But no, I get nothing. I tell the Dunkin’ Donuts in Love Library I’m a Duncan and what do I get? A chuckle and the same price as everyone else? This is what I get for serving my country? Some whiny entitled youths telling me off? What did they do to respect the wars I’ve fought for them? Answer: Jackshit, all they do is sit around on their cell phones all day, Humph.

For 18 grueling years I’ve had to respond to people saying “oh like Dunkin’ Donuts?” when I tell them my name. Every time I get Starbucks or Noodles and Co they always label me “Dunkin”.

Are you kidding me? Do you not hear the “can” sound in there? There is clearly an A in that. Have none of you stupid youths never read MacBeth? It’s king D-U-N-C-A-N, not Dun-kin! That’s not how pronunciation works!

Well I’ll tell you this, Dunkin’ Donuts, I am rage incarnate. DUNCAN and DUNWILL sue your ass to high hell if you don’t give me the discounts Duncans like me deserve.