Point: Dick, please stop sticking to my leg

I’ve had it up to here with you, Dick! I just want to walk to class, that’s it – that’s all I want to do! But what happens every time – EVERY. FUCKING. TIME, DICK?! You cling onto my left thigh like your life depends on it! Do you think you’re gonna fall off? ‘Cause you won’t! That’s not how anatomy works, DICK! Then I have to Fred Sanford my way down Vine Street until you finally release your death grip!

Hell, I could even manage if that’s all it took! But is it, DICK?! No! And you know this better than ANYONE! When you feel particularly clingy, I have to reach my good ol’ righty down there, don’t I?! And in public! In front of people! People I don’t know SEE me do this! They see me reach down my pants and silky Calvin Klein undies to wrench you off! Then my hand smells until I get to a sink, it’s the worst – you are the WORST, DICK!

Counterpoint: I hang with your balls all day, you can deal

Woah, woah, woah, calm down there, John Oliver. I am so sorry that you have to deal with me taking a break from dangling all day. Do you have any idea of what I have to live with on a daily basis? Your asshole and taint. Not good company, especially since we all live in a literal swamp. It’s disgusting down here: it’s damp, it’s smelly, there’s unruly vegetation – it’s gross. But yeah, get mad at me for occasionally taking a break from it all and lying down for a while.

God, you’re impossible. Be glad I’m a penis. Be glad the only thing you have to complain about is that I stick places sometimes. I don’t give you cramps, I don’t shed parts of myself and I don’t bleed, luckily. So go ahead and do me a favor and check your fucking privilege you cisgender, hyper-privileged, small-penised man.