Desperate coffee goers trapped in line as long as 15 minutes sought aid from the federal government this past Tuesday, claiming that they lacked basic living necessities and another place to turn.

“I’ve been waiting in line for my triple vanilla macchiato– in a foam cup– for almost half an hour now,” said local coffee expert John Olson. “I have to be somewhere soon.”

Olson, among others, harped on the necessity of their being there that morning. They had no choice but to stop in.

“This is something we need,” said Jessica Clark, who was situated five minutes further back in line than Olson.

Line members have begun creating makeshift shelters to wait inside of while waiting for their allotment of their hot brown soup. Many of these structures also lack basic necessities, like wireless Internet and air conditioning.

“We’re dying out here,” Olson said. “We need the government to save us.”

FEMA officials were greeted with hostility and contempt from the coffee shop staff.

The necessity of their service has been a point of contention between the baristas and government officials.

“Whatever man, you don’t really need coffee,” barista Jack Newton said. “If I want to take three minutes to make your drink, it’s because I care about my craft, not because I’m lazy.”

FEMA officials did not buy into this argument.

“Making coffee isn’t hard,” said FEMA spokesman Hank Spills. “Just do it quicker for shit’s sake. If you don’t like your job work somewhere else.”

Spills added that if service cannot be hastened, the shop is at least responsible for providing adequate shelter for its patrons while they wait in line.
“We’re inside and it’s December, so I don’t think they need AC,” Newton said. “And we have Wi-Fi, they just have to make it to the front of the line and buy something to use it.”