Following a recent outbreak of patchy facial hair, Lincoln residents are once again feeling safe to leave their houses.

“I spent the entire month of November inside my house with all my doors deadbolted,” said Mildred Kemp, a local senior citizen. “It was just too scary to go out there with all those horrible beards.”

Young men across the city have been participating in the annual ritual of ‘No Shave November,’ which inevitably results in high school hallways full of sparse facial hair.

Cultural anthropologists remain unsure how the phenomenon of growing disgusting facial hair for an entire month began, but one prominent theory is that it was started by undercover Reagan staffers as a stealthy teen abstinence program.

Other scholars disagree, arguing that it began as a way for razor manufacturers to reduce demand during steel price spikes in November.

No matter its origins, No Shave November has had catastrophic consequences for public health, with city-wide outbreaks of nausea and fainting during encounters with the so-called “No Shavers.”

Obama administration officials are currently in the process of quarantining the United States in a last-ditch effort to prevent No Shave November from spreading overseas.

“We’ve halted all outgoing films, and we are in the process of disabling the Internet so no one can spread this dangerous plague outside of the country,” said Simon Ross, President Obama’s No Shave November czar. “I promise you, I will not rest until the health menace that is No Shave November has been eradicated.”