According to an astounding report from the University of Nebraska-Lincoln bookstore, the average textbook owned by UNL students has a more durable spine than Nebraska Senator Deb Fischer.

“I was amazed by the findings of my investigation,” explained Harold Mitchell, lead researcher and author of the study. “Regardless of whether the textbook is hardcover, paperback or even spiral bound, in every case the bindings of the instructional textbooks withstood more rigorous testing that Nebraska’s senior United States Senator.”

The study also discovered that the findings can be generalized to more than simply the books’ spines.

“In every single test, the books’ pages and covers proved more durable than Fischer’s flimsy arguments on taxation, social issues and even environmentalism. I was astounded to find that even our feeble course packets withstood more direct scrutiny than Fischer’s beliefs on nearly every subject,” Mitchell continued.

The findings may suggest that although UNL’s textbooks cannot speak, write or conduct independent thought, they may be more qualified for the Senate seat than the 67-year-old senator, who has been in office since 2013.

“We were unable to locate a single textbook, course packet or pamphlet available at the University Bookstore that would vote for the Supreme Court confirmation of a man accused of sexual assault. Even our frailest course pamphlet refused to vote in favor of the accused assailant,” Mitchell finished.

Although the study’s findings were undeniable, its scope is admittedly limited. Further testing will be conducted shortly to determine if Nebraska Representative Don Bacon is actually as salty as his namesake suggests.