Janet, your Mom, marched into the Michael’s in your hometown today on a righteous mission. She was going to get her loving hands on the absolute biggest, shiniest, most eye catching balls to ever grace the side of a Christmas tree.

After a quick assessment, she found Michael’s balls to be woefully lacking. “These can’t be the biggest balls Michael’s has!” She said, out loud, in the middle of the isle. Unfettered, she continued on her quest for the best balls this side of the Mississippi.

“Surely there must be bigger balls!” She inquired to the nearest Michael’s employee. “You’ll have to go in the back and retrieve bigger balls for me!”

The underpaid employee returned some time later with a pair of magnificent, coursing blue balls in her hands. “YES!” your Mom said. “I can’t wait to give my husband sees these magnificent blue balls!”

Tonight she will squeeze these beautiful specimens onto your Christmas tree. She will hug them tight to the rock hard wooden trunk of the pine. She will whisper “Ohhhhhh yes it looks amazing!” as she steps back from the trunk’s embrace and takes in the beauty of these balls.

You and your Mom, Janet, will be wet with joy as you gaze upon the regal power of these balls. As you go to bed tonight you will try to sleep but fail. Are you too excited for you Christmas day gifts? No. You are unable to embrace your warm bed of slumber because you can’t get those beautiful bouncing, slopping, gorgeous balls out of your little mind.

Happy Holidays!