Graduate research assistants at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln have recently made a shocking discovery that will change the way students across the nation view their favorite week of the semester: syllabus week. In a report released Tuesday, researchers confirmed that our beloved “syllabus week” is actually just “syllabus 30 seconds.”

Research began last fall as graduate research assistants sat in on a wide range of classes across campus. “We noticed that our professors were spending less and less time going over the syllabus as we started new courses,” said research leader Paul Pebbles. “So we set out to see if professors from other departments were doing the same thing.” Pebbles and his team then conducted tests and analyses throughout the fall semester and came to the conclusion that the average UNL professor spent about 30 seconds going over the syllabus, drastically less than the previously widely accepted value of one week.

Outcries have already poured in from the student body on UNL’s campus. “I got to my chemistry class hoping for a few days of just going over the syllabus,” said freshman biology major Chet Channing. “But our professor just scrolled through it, said some mumbo jumbo about academic integrity, and went straight into Chapter 1! We already have homework due next week! This is an outrage!”

The DailyER sat down with economics professor Dan Donaldson to get his take on the syllabus controversy. “I really, truly could not care less about the syllabus,” said Donaldson. “Once I got tenure, I clocked out. I just use the same syllabus for every class I teach. Who’s gonna notice? No one reads the stupid thing anyways.”

University officials acknowledged the research and announced future plans to reduce class times to restore syllabus week to its former glory. Classes that meet Monday, Wednesday and Friday will meet for 50 seconds each day, while classes that meet Tuesdays and Thursdays will meet for 75 seconds.