After two wars, years of rising military spending, and controversial privacy-restricting federal laws, the U.S. government finally declared the Anderson family of South Dakota winners of its controversial “War on Terror.”

The Anderson family, very wealthy since finding massive oil reserves on their property over 50 years ago, was declared the winner of the War on Terror as Obama stopped by their house on the campaign trail to congratulate them.

“The Anderson family has benefited in every single way possible from the war on terror. The Anderson family is now safer than ever, and the increase in oil needed to fly troops in and out of Afghanistan and Iraq helped prices increase dramatically. Plus, since we decided no one should really have to pay for this war, the family’s taxes have remained unexpectedly low,” Obama told a crowd outside the Andersons’ home before revealing a blood-soaked turban worn by Osama Bin Laden when he was shot to death last April.

Bryan Anderson, CEO of Anderson Incorporated and widely considered to be the head of the Anderson family, accepted the blood-soaked turban and stated that he had never been more proud of anything in his life.

“I knew that since 9/11 we’ve really had it pretty well; our company’s net worth has increased by over 40%, while our taxes haven’t increased at all. But to be declared the winner of the war on terror… well, that’s just unexpected.”

Bryan Anderson then proceeded to shake President Obama’s hand and whispered in his ear, “Now don’t make the next ten years suck by raising our taxes, you stupid socialist pig.”