Clyde Markson, a freshman living on floor seven of Abel, describes himself as a “medium-level guitarist.” After fumbling his way through “Free Fallin’,” he revealed that playing guitar is a “passion of mine.”

According to Markson, he was inspired to be a rock star in his seventh grade music appreciation class, though he didn’t actually own a guitar until this last summer.

“I’ve been playing for about a year now, so I can safely say I’m no longer at the beginner level,” said Markson, who claims to practice at least once a week.

“Oh yeah, that guy. I invited him over to my room to jam a bit back in the fall,” said Greg McCollins, a music student on Markson’s floor. “He said he was pretty good, but when I suggested playing through a blues scale to warm up, he totally froze.”

“Then he tried to play and sing a Creed song, which was, like, man…” said McCollins, shaking his head.

Several other sources on Markson’s floor reported occasionally hearing him attempt the main riff to Led Zeppelin’s “Black Dog,” except slowed way down.

He named AC/DC, Led Zeppelin, and Nickelback as his main influences, citing, without irony, that “Americans make the best rock n’ roll.” 

According to his RA, Markson is known to spend whole weekends shut up in his room, alternating between trying to play Rush songs and cursing at his stupid piece-of-shit guitar.

“That happens once in awhile, but afterwards he goes for months without playing,” his RA said.

“Yeah, I’m thinking about recording an album this summer,” Markson, who is partially tone-deaf, said, even though he’s never once attempted to write a song.

Markson has assured his fans, or at least the fans he thinks he has, that his rock star image would in no way corrupt his straight-edge lifestyle. “My guitar skills might make me seem like a badass, but I’m really doing it to be closer to God,” Markson said.

At press time, sources confirmed Markson was playing the opening riff to “Smoke on the Water” for the hundredth time since Christmas break.