When Steven Jones first met his new roommate, James, back in August, he had no idea what he was getting himself into.

“I met him, and he was just one of those guys, you know? A little overweight, wears the black hoodie and jeans no matter if it’s 100 or 0 degrees outside, and doesn’t really seem to have any social skills at all,” Jones said.

“It only took me two days to catch him masturbating to anime porn, which, while not my cup of tea, I accepted. It was sorta funny, and his facial expression when he realized he had been caught was just priceless. It’s really hard not to develop a friendship after that.”

However, as the new semester got under way, Jones has begun to notice some even greater oddities in James’ behavior.

“I woke up in the middle of the night a couple of weeks after the semester started, and I heard some noises from his side of the room. I thought he was just masturbating to more porn when he thought I was sleeping, but when I looked over at him I realized there was no screen on and the room was pitch black,” Jones said.

“I called out his name but he didn’t answer, so I turned on the light. I will never forget what I saw. James was looking at my bed with his eyes wide open, masturbating in a complete trance. I couldn’t wake him up no matter what I did, though I’ll admit that, since he was really going at it, I didn’t actually try that hard.”

Jones immediately left the room and has not gone back since, instead opting to stay in friends’ dorms. Eventually, however, he says he knows he will have to return.

“He keeps calling and texting me, and I don’t know what to do. He says he’s worried about me and can’t stop thinking about why I won’t come back. I know I’m eventually going to have to go get my stuff. I’m just wondering if I should get a police escort or something,” Jones said.

“They just don’t teach you how to deal with this stuff at New Student Enrollment.”