Joe Garden is currently the features editor of The Onion, a satirical weekly newspaper labeled by The New Yorker as “arguably the most popular humor periodical in world history.”

Garden is also the voice behind two of The Onion’s most popular columnists, Jackie Harvey and Jim Anchower. Garden began reporting for The Onion in 1993.

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Hello.

I have agreed to take some time out of my schedule to address you, the readers of this new publication, The More Daily Nebraskite, in order to congratulate you on your prescience for picking up what will undoubtedly be a fascinating artifact when the editor one day snaps and shoots the president.

When you have grandchildren, you will bounce them on your knee and tell them, “Know it? I had the first issue. Still got it around here somewhere. Here’s 10,000 yuan. Go down to the laser candy store and get yourself some mutant pops. If you get back before I have to return to my suspended-animation future tube, I will show it to you.”

Now, as a man who has made untold billions on satire–or more correctly, satire futures, in which you invest in public figures that are likely to be targets of satire at some distant time–let me say to the creators, “Good for you.”

You’ve taken the first step toward being productive members of society.

Productive rich members of society.

It is only a matter of time before a Hollywoodian comes to your doorstep and says, “Here’s a million dollars. Give me the next ‘Van Wilder!’”

And you will wisely take it, and write not just the next “Van Wilder,” but also the next “Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj.”

And you will know success.

And then you will shoot the president.

For those of you who are on the outside, let me walk you through a few of the finer points of the periodical you hold in your hands.

First of all, it is satirical. It may take down a few sacred cows and poke fun at some of our most famous and infamous public figures.

And it will have a huge impact.

Satire is very important. For example, Jonathan Swift, a satirist, wrote the famous story “A Modest Proposal,” which suggested that Irish babies should be eaten.

It was all in good fun. Swift disliked women, but he felt that the Irish weren’t given a fair shake. And now, decades later, people love the Irish.

As I write this, I am drinking Irish whiskey. Thank you, Jonathan Swift.

This proves that satire is a foolproof method, not only for making billions of dollars, but also for eliminating human prejudice.

If not for satire, then racism, war, corruption and gender inequality might still exist today.

Nonetheless, perhaps you are one of those who is put off by satire, who doesn’t understand that nothing is more important than amassing the incredible wealth that satire inevitably brings.

One of those silly stick-in-the-muds that think that there is something inherently “wrong” with shooting the president.

In that case, you need to immediately go to the nearest dictionary and look up the word “sarcasm.” Memorize it carefully, then come back and read these words again.

Think hard while you do it!

But for the sake of argument, let’s say you’re not one of those who is put off by satire. Let’s say that you are enjoying this immensely and you want to be part of the fun.

Well, you’re in luck, because there’s no reason you shouldn’t. Satire is extremely easy to write.

In fact, consistently writing quality satire is as easy as being a Pope, a nuclear scientist, or one of those glamorous celebrity tabloid figures who may or may not be pregnant.

It’s the easiest thing in the world—and the pay is downright obscene.

That being the case, you should feel free to barge in to the offices of the publishers of this periodical and pitch them relentlessly.

Let them know that you are full of mirth and ideas, and they would be fools not to let you write for them.

Shout the word “Fools!” repeatedly to emphasize your point. Insulting a prospective employer is always the best way to get a job.

In case you are still unsure how to go about writing a satirical piece, here’s a quick and easy lesson:

1) Choose a subject. This subject should be fairly well-known to most people. Take someone from pop culture or politics.

If it’s the latter, your best bet is to choose a national figure rather than a city council member.

The odds are that less than one percent of potential readers will have heard of the city council member, while a full 30 percent will have heard of President George Herbert Walker Bush.

If it’s popular culture, you’re on your own. I have no idea what you damn kids watch or listen to these days. Someone from “Full House” or “Saved By The Bell,” probably. Pick one of those guys.

2) Put that figure in an unusual situation. Okay, um, you know The Rock, right? Right? He was a wrestler, and now he is an actor.

Dwayne Johnson.

That’s his given name.

Anyway, come up with some scenario to place him in that would be incongruous or possibly humiliating.

Or, better yet, take a known facet of his public persona and subvert it. For example, the Rock had a phrase: “Can you smell what The Rock is cooking?”

Something like that.

Anyway, take that phrase and apply it to a non-wrestling situation. You wind up with “The Rock Doesn’t Like The Smell Of The Meal You Are Cooking.”

3.) Your satire is almost ready.

But something is still missing: factual accuracy.

Remember, The Rock’s name isn’t The Rock anymore—it’s Dwayne Johnson. This is where an editor comes in.

He (or she!) will check your work and make the necessary corrections to perfect your humor creation—changing it to “Dwayne Johnson Doesn’t Like The Smell Of The Meal You Are Cooking.”

Then she (or he!) will think it over, decide that the rest of the wording sounds awkward, and further refine your carefully nuanced wordplay for readability.

By the time this crucial phase is over, your satire will read “Dwayne Johnson Dislikes The Odor Of The Food You’ve Prepared.”

Now, at last, your hilarious satire is ready to make everyone who glances at it laugh instantaneously.

HA! Cut! Print!

It’s that simple.

Just three steps and you are on your way to becoming a renowned satirist, and doors will open for you the world over.

Just like they have for me—which is why I am in the position to pick and choose from the highest-paying glamour jobs around, like, for example, writing this piece, for which I was paid more money than your tiny mind can imagine, even though it took me less than 30 seconds to write.

Whatever you do, just don’t come for my job.

I am armed.