“Oh man, so this is what this classroom looks like. I’ve never been here before. Cool looking windows.”
And with those glorious words, 5th year senior Mitch Palmer entered the Oldfather-based classroom of his Math 240 class, looked casually around the room at his bemused classmates, and sat.
Palmer, who will theoretically be graduating in May of next year with an Accounting degree, has so far this semester attended fewer than a dozen classes collectively this semester. He has already missed more classes than his Math professor, Elisa Mason, will tolerate for a passing student.
“I have a very strict attendance policy,” Mason said. “Miss three classes, and I drop you one full letter grade. Miss six, and you get dropped two full letter grades. Mr. Palmer has only attended one of my classes, so he has no hope of passing, and is frankly just a distraction.”
Palmer is unconcerned about this startling revelation. “Nah, I’ll be ok. I’m a senior, the teachers understand that I’ve got different priorities than coming to class every day. I mean, I’ve got to find a real job for when I graduate. That takes up a lot of time.”
To date, Palmer has not spent any time looking for post-graduate work, preferring to wake at 10 a.m., eat and surf the internet until his job as a pizza delivery driver began at 3 p.m. He has since been laid off, and has devoted his time to more lounging about the house.
“Look, I see it like this: I’ve learned enough from this place. In May, we’ll have a glorious departure that ends with a degree in my hands. Until then, it’s best that we avoid each other. I don’t want the underclassmen getting jealous.”
Back at Math 240, Palmer stared dutifully at the chalkboard for a few minutes before doodling absentmindedly in his notebook for the remainder of the period, ignoring entirely the reminder that a test was forthcoming the following class.
“I’m in a great position,” Palmer confidently said. “This is my school, and this is my degree. All is well.”
For her part, the registrars office estimated that Palmer had “at least” three more semesters of serious work ahead before he could consider graduation.
