Remember Michael Jordan?

Now, remember that guy that was taller than him? His name was Shaq and even now, he is the coolest dude.

Look at how tall he is! Like, basically tree height. Remember “The Giving Tree”? He was taller than that tree, and he gives even more.

Dude is maybe 40 and he can probably still dunk. You’re maybe 21 and probably don’t dribble or play defense. Meet Shaq on the court and you’re going to become embarrassed real quick, because he is cool.

And he even has a sensitive side, a traditional cool guy move. You see him rubbing lotion on his skin in commercials, smiling into the camera with those grand pearly whites, trying to help us commoners keep our skin clear. Cool of his to do that, really. He doesn’t have to worry about us.

Everyone knows he can’t shoot free throws and he doesn’t even care. He laughs at himself, even though he’s important. Sometimes he would miss a free throw in a game and just giggle, because he knows the secret: free throws aren’t worth as much as a regular shot. If he misses one, that’s just one point. Some teams score more than a hundred points in one night. Shaq gets it and is super cool.

He’s just such a neat guy. Handsome, too. Like in a good way. He could be really intimidating because of how big he is, but he wears his frame really well and smiles a lot. Have you seen that guy in a suit? He’ll make a married woman sweat.

It really sucks that he no longer plays basketball because of his older age. He should be a star forever, and a question worth asking God after dying is “How come Shaq is mortal? That’s cruel and unjust, God. You’re a real jerk for doing that, man.”

But that’s how it goes. Shaq is going to die one day and we’ll have to live with it somehow.

At press time, Shaq is damn cool.