They told him the circulation to his legs would be severely decreased, permanently debilitating his legs by the age of 34.

They told him his movement would slow to that of a person with bloodless legs.

Finally, they told him that they would allow for little privacy in what he carried in his pockets.

“Yeah, but I can totally rock these skinny jeans,” freshman art history major Kole Sharp said to all of this.

Since his drastic fashion change from comfortably fitting jeans to tight skinny jeans, Sharp has been strolling around campus like the king of the world, despite the squeaking sounds coming from the denim straining against his legs and the contents of the pocket.

It seems as though the tightness has made every disturbing thing in his pocket plainly visible for all to see one fateful morning.

“Mother of Christ in heaven,” said sophomore astronomy major Randi Anderson. “I think I’m going to be sick.”

Many people were stumped by exactly what fucked up thing Sharp carried in his pocket.

From “a bundle of squirrel legs and a tire iron” to “a cluster of crumpled-up paper and eyeballs,” onlookers have guessed as to what Sharp carried around with him from place to place like some sprucely dressed abnormality.

“I thought it was a cyst forming from a broken blood vessel because of the skinny jeans,” said Lincoln resident Tommy Hooker. “It definitely pulsated. But then I saw that all the tumors and cysts formed at his ankles. What the hell could he be hiding in there?”

Other people could not be reached for an interview because they either ran from Sharp or vomited on site.
Once campus police arrived and incapacitated Sharp, it was discovered that the bulge was not anything in his pocket, but a combination of a misplaced half-boner and a bunched bit of his tucked-in flannel shirt.