For incoming freshmen still acclimating to the college lifestyle, finding the best social gatherings can be quite a daunting task. Sophomore Ryan McPherson, commonly known on campus as that-guy-in-the-Hawaiian-shirt, intends to alleviate new students of this burden by lending a helping hand.

“I live a pretty wild lifestyle, in case my shirt didn’t tell you that already,” McPherson stated. “Freshmen are gonna see this rad look and say ‘hey, I bet that guy knows how to party,’ and they’ll come to me for all sorts of advice.”

McPherson plans to linger around dorm room hallways at late hours in the night so that he may be more readily available for party-craving students.

“Usually I just sneak into Abel and roam around the floors for a bit, usually the female floors but I’ll admit I can go for the male floors every once in awhile, and I just post up outside of someones room until they come out. At that point they see my Hawaiian shirt and are all down to party.”

McPherson’s method has drawn criticism, especially from many Abel residents, several of which filed formal complaints. However McPherson intends to stand his ground on the issue.

“I’m not gonna get into all the statistics about my success rate and what not because all statistics are unreliable in the end. But I will tell you that it totally worked with that blind girl from last semester. I later found out she was deaf too. But I could tell she was having a great time watching me and my buddy Spud play Mario Kart all night. Like I said, parties are kinda my thing.”

After a formal petition circulated demanding he be banned from Abel, McPherson was last seen loitering around the women’s restroom at the Sandoz, proudly sporting the revered Hawaiian button-up.