If you haven’t talked to any of your straight edge friends recently, or just haven’t looked at a screen in a few weeks, you may have missed that John Mulaney, a renowned “used to do drugs” comedian, has really ground some people’s gears. This is partly due to the fact that Mulaney’s two recent rehab stints have shown that the “used to do drugs” thing was kinda just a bit. Who knew? 

    What got people more upset is that Mulaney also left his wife, Anna Marie Tendler, who seems like an awesome person, and then almost immediately after that started dating Oliva Munn. The couple is now expecting a baby soon. This is all rather bewildering for people who just watched John Mulaney’s stand-up specials and heard John rather repeatedly and loudly state that he loved his wife, like a lot. Which is it, John?

    Turns out people actually lie about their personal lives rather a lot when they are doing stand-up. This seems to be a fact of life that people keep trying to forget. What’s real John? Did you really climb over that fence at that party and then wake up at home? Did you really drink that whole thing of perfume? Did you really see that horse inside that hospital? I don’t even know anymore man. 

    Lost in all this noise has been the aforementioned straight edge community. They thought perhaps they had a funny, down-to-earth, and staunch ally in John Mulaney. Turns out he liked drugs just as much as the rest of us. He seems to have used a lot of alcohol and cocaine. I would too if I was a writer for SNL and had just dumped Anna Marie Tendler. 

    So now the straights need a new John Mulaney. I’ve heard they have been poking around New York, navigating its famously easy-to-understand grid system, trying to find any child sitting in the back of a limousine with an entire pizza and a dream. I wish them luck, but I think I’m gonna stick with John. I love drugs, I love drama, and this new John is probably gonna be funny as hell. The new season of Big Mouth is going to be absolutely insane. I hope Oliva Munn is in it, just to make people mad.