In a move supporters describe as “revolutionary,” Chancellor Harvey Perlman announced that the University of Nebraska-Lincoln was doing away with government subsidized students loans and replacing them with short- to medium-termed indentured servitude.
“Student loans are an antiquated way of obtaining a degree,” Perlman said. “If we as Nebraskans want to make this country great again we need progressive policies set in place for scholars to get the resources they need. Students should not be forced to rely on the nipple of their government or a legal guardian to provide for their education.”
Many students see indentured servitude as a viable option to cover skyrocketing tuition rates.
“If you’re a regular kid like me with parents that aren’t rich enough to pay your way through college, this is a great alternative to student loans.” said Junior actuarial science major Kenny Woodington. “I didn’t save enough money mowing lawns as a child to be able to attend a prestigious Big Ten school and don’t want to pay outrageous interest rates to Uncle Sam.”
The plan, which is currently pending approval by the University of Nebraska Board of Regents, states that students will be required to spend one year working for each semester that they attend upon graduation. Graduates will have the freedom of choosing between standard on-campus jobs such as scanning N-cards, making runzas, or “alternative options.”
“We will be erecting a number of industrial buildings on the new Innovation Campus which will allow us to keep many of the jobs we typically outsource,” Perlman said. “Sweatshops for sewing athletic jerseys, a steel refinery, and an on-campus coal mine will take up most of the newly acquired labor force.”
The practicality of an on-campus coal mine is still being evaluated by local geologists and engineers.
“We will also outsource some labor to aid in the gentrification of downtown and surrounding neighborhoods to look pretty for the soccer moms,” Perlman said. “This past century was built by kids with stubs instead of fingers. Why can’t the next century do the same?”
