It was a cold February morning when freshman cultural studies major Caleb Marcus knew that he had an opinion to share. Not just any opinion, mind. An important one. Something that could change the lives of everyone on campus.

And Marcus knew just where to turn: the independent voice of the student, the Daily Nebraskan.

“After I first tried ecstasy, I knew that I just HAD to share my experience with everyone,” Marcus explained.

“It’s a completely mind opening experience. Everything about your world changes. My fellow students, in addition to everyone who will ever research my name, needs to know that I love E and that, the next time you talk to your dealer, you should get it.”

However, Marcus had a problem. How would the rapturous readers of the paper know that, despite his youth and relative inexperience, he was qualified to write an opinion column? Surely, there was no location and pose that could portray the depth of his thought.

The solution was deceptively easy to discern. Marcus was to carefully dress as if he didn’t care about his appearance, stand in front of a dark background, and stare mindfully into the distance. The photographer would catch him in the tail end of a laugh, and capture a smug caricature that would be splashed across the inner pages of DN editions all across campus.

The result was stunning. Marcus, a self described “good looking guy, if I may flatter myself” looked just the part of the disinterested, self-absorbed, entitled dick that his column made him out to be.

“I couldn’t be happier with how I look in that photo,” Marcus said.

“This will make my article all about how I love using my parents money to buy drugs, while ignoring my already useless major an absolute joy to read. I’ll be a star. A star!”

Marcus is already preparing for his next column that will appear to his majestic photo.

“I’m going to try heroin, and then talk about how big business is keeping this miracle drug down so they can squeeze the poor for money,” he said. “I’ve got a bright future in this business.”