Following the renewal of the Newspaper Readership Program at the University of Nebraska at Lincoln, despite the unfavorable vote the program received from the recent student elections, undergraduates across campus continue in their goal to wipe out literacy once and for all.

“We all know damn well that reading and words are pure evil,” frat member Marcus Thornhill stated. “Who do these people think they are, trying to get me to sound out all these stupid, big, tough words? I don’t wanna know how to spell ‘election’ or ‘Korea,’ it hurts my brain!”

Thornhill continued to elaborate on his disdain for organized reading, stating, “Trying to sound out words leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate…leads to suffering.”

In response to the renewal of the program, Thornhill and a ragtag group of other underperforming students have banded together to create a radical organization known as the “Illiterate Panthers,” planning to use guerrilla warfare such as setting newspaper vendors on fire to stifle and eventually suffocate the spread of literacy.

While many students do not agree with their use of violence, the message of the Illiterate Panthers resonates with many.

“We don’t want your words or your knowledge!” said sophomore fashion major Lisa Bright, backed by a large group of protesters. “We voted and won fairly against the oppressive institution of the written word and we want our voices heard! We are the 51%!”

Students continue in their quest to drop literacy rates, while also taking solace in the high sales the Twilight series experienced, seeing it as a sign of progress.