In a landmark study released by the University of Nebraska-Lincoln Psychology Department, researchers have concluded that at least one human being on the planet thinks about you in a sexual, yet also angry, manner.

“Despite how insignificant you may think that you are, one poor schlock out there is extremely aroused by you,” Dr. Don Lokbach said. “But, at the same time, while their loins burn passionately to meet with yours, they also wish to give in to a hateful rage and rip into your guts with a cheese-grater.”

Lokbach’s fellow researcher, Dr. Watt Ursel, said that you really don’t understand how much this person possesses an overbearing desire to procreate with you, but also wants to kill you slowly with a thumbtack if they could.

“At least one person feels this admittedly contradicting way,” Ursel said. “If they had the chance, they’d probably be having sex with you missionary style while beating your head with a brick at the same time. Sounds like a kinky time, hahaha. No, but seriously, this person will give you an intense orgasm and straight up kill you, and not necessarily in that order.”

Dr. Jess Gevup, only said– while drawing from a large whiskey bottle– that the research offered open-ended results and only revealed that at least one person feels this contradictory way.
“For all we know, there could be plenty more people who feel this way,” Gevup said. “So– to be safe– just assume that everyone angry with you wants to have sex with you and that everyone blushing whenever you walk by also secretly wants to strangle you with copper wiring.”