At 10 am central on Thursday, February 11, freshman marketing major Tate Raton fell on his ass outside of COB with a total of 7 eyewitnesses. It was an extremely icy day with no visibility and 50 mph wind. 

“I really don’t get how he managed to fall…he kinda defied physics,” freshman Kristoff Nown. 

“He got up and kept walking like nothing happened. He’s so brave,” said senior Tracey Vyrb. 

“I was so fucking embarrassed for him. I don’t know how he’s ever gonna show his face in class again,” admitted faculty member Dr. Kauma 

Raton walked back to his dorm after his fall, thinking nothing of it. He told us, “Oh yeah, I guess I remember falling. My ass hurt for a few days. Wait…how did you know about that?” 

Little did he know, word of the incident traveled across campus like wildfire, and Raton’s reputation was obliterated just like that. As we speak, his girlfriend is breaking up with him, his parents are disowning him, and his pet cat is walking outside of the window of his 4th floor dorm room. 

“All because I had to go and fall on my ass like an idiot,” Raton said. 

Word on the street is that Raton dropped out of college and got a job for UNL landscaping removing snow and ice. Rather than turn his back on the world and people in it, Raton is giving back and preventing kids like him from making the same mistake