On the outside, freshman engineering major Jane Frank looks about as normal as any other young woman. She has long brown hair, has an average height,  wears jeans and sweaters and wears sunglasses when it’s sunny outside.

But there’s more to her than meets the eye. Frank says that her sunglasses not only block out the sun, but they also block out her lusty gaze towards others.

“Haha, they have no idea,” Frank said as she checked out the latest piece of eye candy through a gym window. “People think I’m sophisticated or looking the other way when I’m actually observing you like a spider observes a fine piece of arachnid from across the garden.”

Frank continued to say that she learned to wear powerful sunglasses after years of learning that staring at others or making eye contact, “even for a split second,” according to Frank, could be devastating. She also learned that many things outside of physicality can become enticing.

“I’ve learned that those secret things that people do when they aren’t feeling self-conscious are the hottest things ever,” Frank said, her sunglasses indicating nothing about what she was looking at, but the biting of her lap saying it all. “Scratching your nose, cracking your neck, all that stuff is great. The best is that weird burp-yawn combo that people sometimes get.”

Soon, Frank left to go to the Union, saying that “people eating Runza by themselves sure are tasty.” However, she left with a few final words.

“Just remember that, if you see me with sunglasses, I’m either checking out your butt or how you rub your temples together in frustration when no one’s looking,” Frank said. “And I’m probably not the only one.”