In a shocking turn of events, the Supreme Court of the United States has ruled that all marriage is unconstitutional.
“We didn’t want to have to do this, but since you won’t share, we’re just going to have to take it away,” said Justice Sonia Sotomayor, who has “had it up to here with this nonsense.”
As of this ruling, all benefits, responsibilities, and laws concerning marriage are officially considered illegal in the eyes of the U.S. government, and all existing marriages declared invalid.
“This comes as a shock to my family and I,” President Obama said, “but as leader of the executive branch, I have no choice but to follow the Supreme Court’s ruling. Sometimes we all have to make sacrifices in the name of equality.”
“We’ll talk about this when I got home, Michelle, let Sasha and Malia know the news.”
“You brats whine and make your big flashy signs, and walk around in circles saying the same damn thing over and over. We’re sick and tired of it, so we’ve settled it now and that’s that,” Justice Sotomayor said, referring to both proponents and opponents of gay marriage.
In response to a decision that potentially harms every American citizen, a finger-pointing match has broken out between Democrats and Republicans at every level of government around the country.
“You Republicans and your ‘family values.’ Look at where they’ve taken us. Now everything is ruined for everyone,” said a member of the Democratic Party, who refused to be named.
“Nuh-uh,” a high-ranking Republican commented. “You Democrats are so stupid. Did you forget that Bill Clinton, your favorite person ever, signed this bill into law?”
Shortly after the ruling, Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) and Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) were sent to their rooms after being unable to calm down and talk out their differences like mature adults.
When asked for comment, Vice President Joe Biden had only one thing to say about the federal prohibition on marriage.
“Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Now everyone can have free milk.”
