They told him the circulation to his legs would be severely decreased, permanently debilitating his legs by the age of 34. They told him his movement would slow to that of a person with bloodless legs. Finally, they told him that they would allow for little privacy in what he carried in his pockets. “Yeah, […] Read more
This has been the most stressful year of my life, and I don’t mind telling you. I still don’t understand what I did wrong. Hello. I am cargo shorts. Which is to say, I’m a pair of normal shorts with a couple of extra pockets on the sides. That’s all. Pockets are nice, right? They’re […] Read more
Lincoln detective Rex Zerigata lit his cigar and took a giant puff, sighing as he exhaled white smoke into the pitch black sky. But then, he quickly saw that other people were around and disposed his cigar out of courtesy. “Well, some shit did happen, tonight,” Zerigata said, adjusting his tortoise shell glasses and scratching […] Read more
With a new school year underway, students everywhere are looking to make a strong first impression on their fellow classmates. One local freshman’s bold fashion choice has everyone talking. Brian Patterson, a chemistry major at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln, turned heads across campus Friday by wearing a “Huskers” T-shirt. Just moments after stepping out of […] Read more
Tensions were high today on the StarTran 25 bus to Vine when local bus driver Bertha Hendrickson ate an entire raw potato as though it were no big deal. “It was terrifying,” said political science major Jeremy Taylor. “She actually sat there and ate an entire raw potato, without attempting to wash it or brush […] Read more
Tuesday was a triumphant day for local Cheetos fans, as the University of Nebraska-Lincoln announced a historic deal to become the nation’s first “Cheetos campus.” As part of a 10-year, $12 million contract with Frito-Lay, Cheetos will become the exclusive food provider of UNL, Chancellor Harvey Perlman announced. The campus’ dining halls, vending machines and […] Read more
Going far beyond the standard pro-business Republican talking points of running a government like a business, Governor Pete Ricketts announced Tuesday that he plans to turn Nebraska’s government into a literal business. “It’s a bold move, but I am confident our state’s government will be better able to create wealth for our board members and […] Read more
Take a moment to imagine every single bug that has ever died in the existence of bugs, including those hellish dinosaur bugs from ancient times. Now imagine all of them in one ethereal plane and tell me that it’s not hell. I’ve been in the entomology game for nearly 30 years, which is long enough […] Read more
Local barista Danny Shannon was just living his life on Wednesday, enjoying a listen of Jack White’s “Blunderbuss” on vinyl and surveying the flies swarming around the coffee shop trash can, when his entire day was fucked up when a customer came in to order. “Who even orders a latte,” Shannon asked. “This is a […] Read more
The National Football League has a seemingly unsolvable problem: the nation’s most popular sport is destroying players’ brains. Rule changes and high-tech helmets aren’t helping, leading the NFL to take a drastic new step to address concussions. After success in overruling touchdown catches and officials’ bad calls, the NFL hopes its instant-replay system can also […] Read more
