Ever since the United Kingdom voted in July to withdraw from the European Union, around the world all eyes have been watching Britain as it carefully begins plans to cut ties with Europe.
On Monday, amid criticisms that the process was being unnecessarily drawn out and overly complicated, Prime Minister Theresa May took the drastic step of cutting the large rope that ties England to the coast of France.
While some have claimed that allowing the British Isles to drift aimlessly through the North Sea is a reckless move, in a press release May’s conservative government assured the public that it was a necessary step to ensure a clean and final break from the EU.
The large rope, initially installed as a zipline between England and France shortly after the coronation of Henry the Fifth, became obsolete shortly after the completion of the Channel Tunnel in 1990.
Since then, the large rope has been viewed as a symbol of solidarity with the continent by some, while others see it as an outdated and unnecessary object synonymous with European austerity measures.
However, the integrity of the large piece of rope was finally overcome on a bleak overcast morning as May, wielding the ceremonial saber traditionally used to behead pretenders to the English Crown, severed the rope that has long anchored Britain to its current location.
“We understand that this is a hard decision,” May said during the official rope-cutting ceremony. “But we cannot fully begin to achieve economic or legislative independence from the European Union until we cut this rope. Once the rope has been split, we expect much faster progress within Parliament in its negotiating with Brussels.”
Unfortunately, further news of progress after the rope-cutting has been slow due to the fact that nobody currently knows Britain’s whereabouts.
European Diplomats attending the ceremony were the last to catch glimpse of England as it slowly drifted off into the mists of the North Atlantic.
International naval authorities have assured the United Nations that a multinational fleet of tugboats has been dispatched to patrol the Atlantic in order to ensure the wayward drifting of Britain doesn’t interfere with trans-Atlantic shipping lanes.
“It’s an interesting geographic phenomenon, much like the isthmus of Panama or the huge staples that keep the Indian subcontinent attached to Asia,” said UN Secretary General Antonio Guterres. “But we hope Britain will be quickly located and anchored in a neutral port so that Brexit negotiations may resume in a timely manner.”
