Hoo-boy, things sure are cookin’ these days over in the Ukraine, if I do say so myself. Yessiree-bob, that Vladimir Putin sure is up to no good. Why I tell ya, if I had the go of things around here, I’d give those so-called mysterious gunmen holdin’ all them Crimeans at gunpoint a run for their money. Back in my day, why, we had a whole armada of nuclear submarines keepin’ an eye on the Russians from every corner of the planet. Ol’ Leonid Brezhnev couldn’t so much as take a morning piss without Lyndon B. Johnson knowin’ about it.

Course, that was before your day. Now we got goddamn Russian tanks massin’ near the eastern Ukrainian border, not to mention all the so-called planned military exercises the U.S. is executing in Ukraine. Yep, things really are startin’ to heat up.

Did I ever tell you about the time I was in the Navy? They used to make us get down on our hands and knees and crawl laps around the aircraft carrier we was stationed on. That was tarmac, son, that’ll tear the crap outta your palms. We loved it, though. There’s really nothin’ quite like the stars at night out in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, ya see. Not a soul for a thousand miles in any direction.

Anyway, as I was sayin’, I’d sure hate to be that Viktor Yanukovych or whatever it is. I bet he’s sure sorry he outlawed protesting. I know I’d be. Not even Nixon did somethin’ that stupid.

That’s the way it goes though, you give those crazy Ukrainian hippies an inch, and they’ll take over a capitol building or two, that’s what I say.

Anyway, get back to your imgurs and your Pinterests. And make sure to link some of those cupcake recipes that grandma loves so much. We really do miss you kids. Why don’t you call more often?