Residents of the Cecil Hotel in downtown Los Angeles were only mildly surprised to find out that yet another tourist had met their fate in the alleys of Los Angeles. What has captured the divergent interests of Los Angeles is not that a tourist’s lifespan is similar to that of a fly but that the body was disposed of in one of the four water cisterns atop in the Cecil Hotel.

What may come across as startling was the simple fact that the body was not the worst thing found in the water supply. Official police investigations report that along with the body, the water cisterns included much worse items, such as Lindsay Lohan (reportedly alive and well), the script for “Hangover 4,” and a mound of black licorice.

The water in the cisterns is used by guests for drinking, washing, and cooking. One guest of the hotel that had mistakenly consumed some of the water, Tyler Harris, told reporters, “What’s funny is, either there’s a dead body in the water supply for all of Los Angeles, or the water here tastes like shit.”

Most residents observed no change in the water’s taste or appearance. According to the hotel manager, Ben Stoltenberg, “The only reason that the water cisterns had been checked in the first place was due to complaints of the low water pressure, which had been reduced to a trickle because of the festering corpse clogging it.”

The biggest concern for most guests isn’t the corpse but the other findings.

Harris said, “I can deal with a corpse. What I can’t deal with is the fact that they found the entire Los Angeles Lakers in the cistern, too.”