Listen up, conspiracy theorists! As students and staff began adjusting to life without Cather and Pound Halls dominating the University of Nebraska-Lincoln campus skyline, new information about the demolished buildings came to light this past week. According to a highly classified memo written by Chancellor Ronnie Green, Cather and Pound Halls actually extended miles below the surface of the Earth, hidden from sight for over 50 years.
“My first day as Chancellor at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln came with some heavy briefings,” said Chancellor Green, in the memo. “First, I learned of the dungeons below Memorial Stadium where Lil’ Red and Herbie Husker are kept until football game days. Then I was shown the secret Illuminati meeting chamber in the basement of Morrill Hall. But worst of all, I learned of the secret underground floors of Cather and Pound, extending deep into the Earth. I can’t even begin to describe the horrors that go on down there.”
Built in 1963, Cather and Pound Halls extended 13 stories into the Lincoln sky. But, as the rest of the memo detailed, Cather and Pound actually had thousands of floors beneath the ground.
“I began to suspect something was fishy when I saw an extra thousand buttons in the elevator that were labeled ‘Ronnie’s Secret Buttons, Do Not Touch,'” said former Cather resident Jimmy Lindgren. “I could never figure out what Ronnie was hiding down there. At night, I would hear the most blood-curdling screams I could imagine, but I always thought it was my neighbors losing League of Legends matches.”
Students across campus have begun to speculate what could possibly be in the mysterious lair below what used to be Cather and Pound. Some popular theories include a biological testing facility where students are genetically engineered to eat nothing but Runza forever or a dungeon for people who talk too loudly on their phone in the Library Commons. The scariest theory of all, though: a cryogenic laboratory where Tom Osborne is kept and will awaken when the football team is on the verge of extinction.
