At the Husker volleyball game last Saturday night, two students were discovered engaging in sexual intercourse inside the Lil’ Red inflatable costume by a UNL athletic department official. The crime was committed during the match against Wichita State at the Devaney Center, specifically during the halftime show. However, game attendees and players had grown suspicious that something was wrong with Lil’ Red in the first set due to the mascot’s unnatural movements (more unnatural than usual), his visible interior condensation, and the shouts of delight coming from inside of him.

As the dance team was nailing choreography during the halftime show, the culprits were nailing inside poor Lil’ Red. It became apparent this was the case when the mascot began rolling on the floor in ecstasy. 

According to a witness who had been cheering from the student section, “Yo, I just thought Lil’ Herbie was killing it that night.” 

A volleyball player who had missed a serve due to the distraction of a sexually charged mascot disclosed, “Lil’ Red usually creeps me the heck out, but his behavior that night–it made me question my Christian upbringing. I remember thinking when I hit the ball into the net, Is there really a god?” The volleyball player has since seen a counselor. 

Wushock, the Wichita State mascot and a literal bundle of wheat, told the DailyER, “Some people just don’t take the job seriously, and some people have tried and failed to invite another into their costume.” At this point in the interview, WuShock gazed longingly into the distance.

The thirsty culprits, whose names shall not be revealed, defiled Lil’ Red beyond repair. “I can’t stand that someone has done this to my son, or whoever Lil’ Red is,” stated Herbie Husker. Evidence is still being gathered, but the college of forensics has determined that “there were multiple times.”