Amanda Banks logged into Facebook late Monday evening only to be met with shock and awe. Bank’s ugliest friend, Tiffany Sindelar posted a picture of an engagement ring on her finger, sending Banks and the rest of their Thursday night book club group into a state of confused happiness for their obscenely hideous friend.

“I never thought this would happen, never in a million years,” Banks stated with a look of complete amazement in her eyes.

“I didn’t think anyone could look past her cheeto-thighs, sausage-fingers or her satchel-breasts, but beauty is in the eye of the really desperate, I suppose.”

Banks set aside her bewildering disbelief, opting instead to look forward to the happiest and joyous day of Sindelar’s life.

“We’re gonna have to help her pick out a wedding dress. Jesus. I might start drinking again. No, no, I can do this. I would be honored to help her find her dress. She needs to look as good as possible for that moment when she and the groom…kiss,” Banks said, pausing in between words to swallow the vomit that involuntarily flooded her mouth at the thought of Sindelar kissing someone.

Regaining her composure, Banks insisted that she is truly happy for Sindelar.

“It’s wonderful, it really is. Tiffany has found someone who loves her for her platypus-toes and biscuit-shoulders. I mean she’s getting married before I am even! I think that’s…awesome. Just…great.”
Banks quickly faded out of conversation, staring blankly forward and contemplating the fear of unending loneliness.