After nearly a month of meaninglessness, UNL senior Ryan Bonatree, has regained sentience as his final semester at the university commences. Three and a half weeks of dive bars, Halo 4, and those Christmas tree Little Debbie cakes have taken a major toll on the senior: he hasn’t had one conscious thought since he handed in his last final on Wednesday, December 12.

In one drunken stupor, he survived winter break with his brain entirely on autopilot; Bonatree has had to rely exclusively on his human instincts in the absence of sentience over the holiday season. It seems as though Bonatree is still quite hazy since his revitalization last week.

“I-I haven’t… Where am I?” the confused senior said, obviously shaking off the cobwebs from the absence of purpose. “Oh, sorry, I’m still a bit fuzzy.” The senior then vomited on himself.

Ryan Bonatree is not alone in his newfound cognizance. It is believed that every international student simply didn’t exist during the three-week recess, inviting the age-old question “if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” Although Bonatree was physically around for winter break, his cognition is not reliable enough to answer the philosophical question.

The only way to avoid the same symptoms Bonatree suffered over the holiday is to pick up a hobby that involves some sort of mental task or human interaction. Simply yelling at thirteen-year-olds on Xbox live or seeing how fast you can finish a case of Keystone Light won’t quite do the trick.