With the introduction of University of Nebraska President Hank Bounds, the University of Nebraska-Lincoln introduced a new tiered pricing system for its degrees, hoping to reach more students at varying price points who have similarly varying levels of concern for the actual quality of a college education.

The new system, “Big Red, Small Price,” offers a range of pricing options from the completely free “Pepsi Pupils” to the “Platinum Scholars Degree,” which has a tuition bill of $100,000 per year.

Pepsi Pupils includes housing in a university-supervised tent camp and free, advertisement-supported educational content. Twenty minutes of each class session is devoted to advertising for various companies, featuring multiple mandatory classes with curriculum written by important corporate sponsors, such as “Gender Dynamics of Nabisco Snack Products in 20th-Century American Literature” and “Advanced Biochemistry of Diet Pepsi.”

The Platinum Scholars Degree includes perks such as a 24/7 concierge available for homework help, a gold-plated personalized key to an exclusive Platinum Scholars Lounge in the Nebraska Union, a reserved leather seat in the Love Library stacks and complimentary non-alcoholic beverages and light appetizers during classes.

“Some students want to just go to college to drink and party, and with our new Pepsi Pupils degree we now make that possible without wasting the college fund that their parents have carefully grown for 18 years,” said President Bounds at a press conference Wednesday. “On the other hand, some families worry that their children won’t be successful without the family butler or three private tutors, and we hope to offer that premium experience to maximize their success.

At press time, university officials deny the existence of a growing student revolt just west of Oldfather Hall, and insist they have never heard the words “major class conflict” used together like that.