There are too many idiots on this planet if you ask me. There are people who still believe in intelligent design, and I’m at a complete loss.

There is too much evidence stacked against this philosophy for it to still be viewed as plausible. For instance, I am an Oreck Upright Vacuum XL2100RHS, and my face is my feet. What kind of bullshit is that?

I eat lint, dust bunnies, dirt, hair, cat and dog fur and stale crumbs–none of which contain ANY nutritional value. Then I get dissected, have my stomach removed and receive another close to every two or three weeks. Real intelligent, right? It’s like I’m not supposed to enjoy however long I exist before I break and get replaced.

I don’t have any eyes, I can’t move myself without some human pushing and pulling me and I can’t extend my cord more than 35 feet from an outlet or I instantaneously fall asleep. Being “intelligently designed” with severe narcolepsy is stupid.

People always push my face into walls, corners, the legs of chairs and tables, and it gets old after a while. And the only alternative to that would be if I were a Roomba–and no vacuum wants to be a Roomba. Just wandering around aimlessly with no real purpose to live until you gradually fade out and wake up on a charging dock to do it all over again. It’s sad when you think about it, and it sure as hell isn’t “intelligently designed.”

I want to die, but I’m just a machine. I have no afterlife, no euphoric paradise to anticipate. When I break down, most likely due to my owner’s negligence, I only have a landfill. A slimy, smelly landfill.