Let me tell you, what Hillary Clinton has been hiding in her private email is nothing compared to the stuff I’ve got on my own server.

I think a lot of the reason I get these emails is because I’m the vice president and people know I’m committed to helping others through my office.

This last week I got the sweetest email from a nice, young man. He said he won millions of dollars in the lottery in Romania, but the local authorities won’t let him take his money across the border into the United States.

I know that most people wouldn’t just email anyone asking for that kind of help with an obviously sensitive issue, so I really appreciated that he had enough faith in my abilities as VP to ask me to wire him that $10,000 he needed to free up the money at the border.

That’s why I have my own email server- I can’t share those private stories with just anyone.

People also email me with their triumphs. A few days ago I got an email from a man who just found out he’s a Nigerian prince and is in line to receive a colossal fortune. It really meant a lot to me that he decided I was the one to ask for the $20,000 in non-sequential small bills from.

He needed it to pay the inheritance tax in Nigeria, and he offered to share his fortune with me in return for my generosity.

And, oh, you wouldn’t believe the incredible offers I get from these scientists! They’ve developed these pills that can give you four extra inches on your…well…there really are some emails that are meant to stay private.