Usually full of lame puns and groaners that would probably only make your grandpa chuckle, geography professor Lyndon Breloque is rolling out the black humor today, sources in Thursday morning lecture claimed.

“See, the interesting thing about petrified wood is that it looks just like wood, but it’s actually just dead and calcified,” Breloque said, pausing for effect, “just like my marriage.”

The 62-year-old professor then led the increasingly nervous undergrads on a discussion of the mid-latitude regions of Earth.

“The Atacama Desert is truly an extraordinary place. If it were any less hospitable for life, it would be my wife’s barren uterus,” Breloque said.

When that one didn’t land, Breloque had no choice but to adapt his humor style to better suit his students’ diverse comedy needs.

“Enough about my wife, have you guys heard of the Mariana Trench? At 11 kilometers deep, it’s the deepest place in Earth’s oceans. The water pressure would crush you in an instant, but it’s still not as a bad as the pressure I was under when I was in college, trying to keep my full-ride scholarship while my only sister battled breast cancer,” Breloque said, which was met by a collective gasp of disbelief from the students.

“Seriously, getting pulled out to sea is very dangerous,” Breloque assured the students later in the lesson. “Those ocean currents will smack you around like my dad did to my mom, sister and me when he ran out of beer or cigarettes. Write that down; that will be on the test,” he said.

At press time, 86 out 115 students in Breloque’s Thursday morning lecture are heading to the geography dean’s office to file a complaint.