Jeremy, this is the fifth time you’ve been here this week and I have a East Asian civ midterm in two hours, you need to finish whatever you’re doing in my shower and get out of here right now. I know it’s nice and warm and moist but there are plenty of other spots in the house for that. 

I know this is partially my fault because I woke up an hour late and spent way too long laying in bed on my phone, but I pay rent. You don’t Jeremy, you’re just a big ass wolf spider. I just let you live here because you’re really scary but you’re also like a living thing that I don’t super want to kill. Please stop sneaking up on me you’re so terrifying why do you have so many legs oh god, oh fuck. 

It seems like you’re taunting me with your many knowing eyes Jeremy. It’s like you understand my struggle and stay here in this moist shower out of spite. You have vast and unfathomable knowledge but you possess no sympathy for my eternal struggle with the traditional American academic system.

Screw it, I’m coming in there. I’m freezing in this cold bathroom. It’s like almost winter bro. If you even dare to crawl up my leg and touch my leg hair I will scream and never stop. I will awaken every single person living in this house because oh my god you’re so big please don’t touch my dick.