Board Of Regents Blows Off Steam With Pillow Fight In Emptied Classics Department

University Board of Regents member Walter Larson attacks fellow Board members with a goose-down pillow after stressful deliberations.
Photo illustration by Dylan Bliss


After long deliberations about the University of Nebraska at Lincoln’s current budget, the school’s Board of Regents reached a finalized proposal earlier this week. The proposal, which includes deep cuts to several of UNL’s academic programs and non-tenured staff positions, has been met with some controversy. In response to some of the concerns raised by students and university staff, the Regents took a much-deserved break this weekend.

“Well, these budget meetings have been running pretty long. We’re tired and we’re sore. It took forever to find departments that were in no way involved with the athletic program to cut.” said Walter H. Larson, an interim member of UNL’s prestigious Board of Regents.

“So we cruised over to Burnett Hall, and used the quite recently vacated rooms to have some good, old-fashioned horseplay.”

Larson was one of the first members of the university’s Regents who, during the Board-mandated Clove cigarette break, snuck into the deserted graduate office of the Classics department, a division of the college’s Humanities department as old as the university itself.

It is also reported that, during the spur-of-the-moment hijinks, a pillow fight erupted amongst the members. The battle came to an abrupt end when the members realized they were approximately 20 minutes late to the Board’s second session that evening.

“What can I say?” continued Larson. “You wouldn’t think the Regents would be the kind for these shenanigans, but when we throw down, we go hard.”

University Chancellor Harvey Perlman was also on scene to offer comment.

“Just to set the record straight, it wasn’t only the Classics department… I also heard there was a bomb-ass kegger in the old Department of Industrial and Management Systems office.”

The official Board of Regents schedule indicates further meetings will be held this week to discuss other uses of the hastily vacated space. Sources close to the Regents disclosed that both a Slip-n-Slide and Bouncing Castle are viable candidates for the space.

“To be fair,” said Chancellor Perlman “Classics is just reading old books and shit. It’s not like it’s hard. People read books every day.”