Sports

Nebrasketball’s explosive offense detonates, creates 50-mile blast radius

In an eruption that made the Pinnacle Bank Arena resemble a watermelon stuffed with an M-80, the Nebraska men’s basketball team accidentally played too hard against the Iowa Hawkeyes last Saturday, triggering a thermonuclear explosion and sending the state into fallout. The crowd of 15,268 were left saturated in radiation, causing fans to resemble sickly green […] Read more

Paramedics on hand for full-contact chess tournament

In what turned into absolute carnage among chess-playing intellectuals on Saturday, eyewitnesses described the violence that ensued during the world’s first full-contact chess tournament. “There were some unspeakable things that happened at that tournament,” said paramedic Terry Shroedecker. “My God, the things people do in the name of sport. I’ll never understand it.” Accounts of […] Read more