According to a leaked CIA internal memo, there’s only one thing that the middle-eastern terrorist group known as ISIS fears more than Allah’s disapproval– lower-middle-class, AM-radio-listening, outspokenly patriotic white men who pose with weapons in their Facebook photos.
The memo detailed how ISIS is, as one senior analyst described, “shaken to their core” by what they call “keyboard commandos” who talk constantly on social media about taking the fight directly to ISIS despite never going within 10 miles of a military recruiter’s office and no evidence of weapons training outside of hundreds of hours playing Call of Duty on Xbox.
In a statement released Monday, a spokesperson for the CIA confirmed that numerous interrogations of captured ISIS fighters and intercepted communications between suspected ISIS safehouses revealed that the aggregate intimidation factor of the large number of pasty white slobs taking multiple pictures of themselves holding guns and sneering on social media has caused ISIS to pause and rethink its strategies.
“It’s pretty easy to tell that these out-of-shape, marginally functional, scarcely articulate lunkheads taking selfies with camo pants and automatic weapons are a serious force to be reckoned with,” read one interrogation transcript. “Even if they’re just pudgy suburban Navy SEAL wannabes trying to look menacing with airsoft toys as a way of dealing with cultural alienation and a mortifying midlife crisis, it’s clear these men mean business. We take them very seriously, as everyone in our organization should.”
Irvin “Tater Skins” Walsh, 32, a part-time dishwasher at Waffle House who enjoys having his picture taken while scowling in front of an American flag with his stepfather’s modified AR-15, told reporters that he’s pleased he’s doing his part to keep his country safe.
“I stand for an America where I’m allowed my religious freedoms like the founding fathers originally wanted,” he said, “and I’m proud that I’m helping to protect America from evildoers, just as much as our troops overseas. You can tell from my Facebook that I’m basically a civilian Special Forces guy defending liberty here at home, mostly by blowing my entire paycheck on bullets from Wal-Mart and arguing endlessly with liberals on the comments section of the Huffington Post. Thing is, I’m not even supposed to be around guns, to be honest. Could you not tell my probation officer about this?”