Fired Philosophy Professor: “My job theoretically still exists”

While stubbornly seated in his now-empty office, recently terminated professor of philosophy Gerald Brewster repeatedly remarked that this was all, “foolish and nonsensical,” and that his job, “theoretically still exists.”

“Logically, it’s not possible for me to be fired,” Brewster said of the letter officially terminating his employment. “Clearly nothing exists outside of the human perception. Since I refuse to perceive it, it’s not really happening.”

When asked if he had a way to verify such a claim, Brewster stuck out his tongue and replied, “prove that anything actually exists, you simpleton.”

The denial-ridden educator was let go Sunday after allegations that he decided to do away with a grading scale, reasoning that the human intellect could not be quantified, thereby making grades arbitrary. Brewster and UNL Administrators had reportedly been at odds on this issue for months, and his attempts at persuading the faculty were met with disapproving eyerolls and the occasional, “Oh hell, it’s this guy again.”

“We thought he’d give up after we fired him, but he just keeps showing up,” said Chief Academic Officer Debra Baldacci. “Mr. Brewster needs to understand that college is not the appropriate time nor place to be thinking outside of the box.”