Mystery abounded in the Nebraska Union Centennial room. A rowdy jungle full of high ranking research leaders from all different corners of the university in a bustle and hustle. What was making everyone go bananas? The sudden termination of the school’s director of undergraduate research.
The news dropped late in the night on the 30th of January and created shock waves in the university so big you could almost surf on them.
Prof. Marjorie Langell from the chemistry department was baffled: “I don’t understand! This is nuts!”
Then, suddenly the lights dimmed and all was silent. A huge, booming, almost ape-ish voice cut through the quiet like a wooden barrel cannon through the countryside.
“LOOKING GOOD, KONGS!!!!!!!” Funky Kong screamed as he entered the room, causing everyone to jump. People started making it for the door only to discover the doors were blocked with dense jungle undergrowth.
“LET’S BLAST THIS JOINT IN MY BODACIOUS JUMBO BARREL!!!!!” The entire room suddenly flew into the air following a huge explosion as the whole crowd flew by beautiful clear skies. Fun and lighthearted bongo music could be heard over it all, with an ambiance of a rioting and rollicking jungle in the background.
Mr. F’ing Kong (as he insisted he be formally called) quickly switched to a business suit and tie with a cartoonish twirl and immediately launched into a very detailed jungle-themed Prezi about how he planned to remake the undergraduate research infrastructure.
The presentation went by incredibly quickly and was hard to understand over the vicious sounds of ape-on-ape jungle warfare and the screams of attendees, but the main gist is there will be a lot more banana research at UNL.
To the surprise of almost no one, Mr. F’ing Kong’s outfit was business in the front and party in back as he moved to face his Prezi and exposed his beautiful, red, bright ass to the audience.
According to Governor Pete Ricketts, he had recommended Mr. F’ing Kong for the job to Chancellor Ronnie Green on the basis that he had excellent budget-cutting ideas. The only budget-cutting idea Mr. F’ing Kong (really?) seemed to have is that the city didn’t need public transport and we could all just get around by swinging on massive jungle vines.
How this pertains to his new undergraduate research position has yet to be explained.