Holy fucking shit boys, this is it. This is the one. We’re fucked and there is no way around it. This storm is rolling through soon, and it’s gonna bend us over a barrel and show us the 50 states.
Go to the store. Stock up. Get some extra water, because this storm is gonna steamroll us and leave us with no utilities. There’s no escaping it– we’re shit out of luck here. No one escapes. Call your family, tell them that you love them, give them words of encouragement and talk about the good times, because we are all doomed. Once that snow starts falling, it isn’t going to stop for a long damn time. Get your shovels ready if you want, but it won’t do anything. This is a serious storm, and it isn’t going to take any prisoners.
You don’t have to worry about classes getting cancelled, because this storm is going to bury us so deep we will be lucky to be out by finals week. Start sharpening your stone tools, because it’s about to get old school. Hopefully you were playing attention in your anthropology class and not dicking around on Facebook, because our primal instincts are about to kick in. There is just something about an unholy amount of snow that makes humans lose all sense of civility.
Oh, and by the way, this storm doesn’t discriminate. It doesn’t care if you are from Nebraska and have “seen this all the time.” It doesn’t care if you are from the South, where a dusting shuts down cities. It doesn’t even care if you’re from the Northeast, where getting a lot of snow once a year makes you think you’re a hardass. No, this storm is different. This one is going to come in hard and fast, and make everyone wish they were in Southern California, where snow is just a folk tale.
So get ready everyone, because we are fucked. It’s about to snow a lot.