Student More Hungover Than Not

A student turning the ripe old age of 21 is bound to develop something short of a drinking problem, but junior Seth Waylan has taken it to a new level. Seth, in this first semester, has actually been more hungover than he has been sober, a feat that has seriously taken a toll on his body and bank account.

Seth wasn’t available for a comment on his situation, as the only sounds he emitted were tortuous, unintelligible moans. His roommate spoke on his behalf.

“This is one of his good days,” his roommate, Ty Ganz, said as he put a sippy cup full of water to his roommate’s lips. “He took last night off, which is probably for the best. Some of our friends called him a pussy for not going out on a Monday.”

Waylan reportedly has a whopping eighteen dollars left in his bank account, which he is planning to altruistically donate to his open bar tab at Duffy’s Tavern.

“It’s cool, though. His dad’s a doctor,” Ganz reassured us.

The UNL junior’s health has been rapidly declining since his two month-long bender commenced. After much deliberation and a drunken fistfight, Ganz got Waylan to see his family practitioner. The doctor said the bags under his eyes are now permanent, and also noted that the student is so dehydrated that his blood is, in fact, almost completely gelatinous. A recent blood test done on Waylan attributed to this finding.

When asked how he has managed to stay alive in this almost perpetually hungover state, Waylan responded with a spittle of vomit. When the question was redirected to his roommate, he replied, “Oh, I’ve been stealing IVs from the health center. Actually, you know what…” he continued, scratching his head, “…they just gave them to me. Needle and all. Yeah if you need IVs, dude, hit them up.”