Supreme Court Approves Lunch Order 5-4

On the eve of a momentous Voting Rights decision, the tension in the judicial chambers of the United States’ Supreme Court isn’t coming from the media, constituents or lobbyists, but from the justice’s stomachs. It was well into the noontime lunch hour before Anthony Kennedy was able to lay the deciding vote for Wendy’s Old Fashioned Hamburgers that the nation’s highest judicial body was able to sit down and enjoy their mid-day sustenance.

“It was brutal in there. People were tearing their hair out sweating over this decision.” said bailiff Terrence Glenn.

”Once the final decision was passed down for everybody’s orders of burgers, salads and spicy chicken nuggets, everyone was able to relax a little and get back to deliberating today’s case.”

In typical Supreme Court fashion, the swing vote was held by Kennedy, who spent much of his morning craving a Chipotle barbacoa burrito bowl, but was heavily outvoted by his fellow justices.

“I’ve had enough of this, Kennedy!” barked a visibly drained Antonin Scalia, who claimed his blood sugar was “through the roof” causing him to be more irritable than usual.

Justices Breyer, Kagan, Sotomayor and Ginsburg all placed strong arguments for a takeout order of Noodles & Company, but were eventually voted down by Justices Thomas, Roberts, Scalia, Alito and eventually Kennedy. The majority justices stressed in their published opinions of the meal that the Wendy’s decision marked a return to good-natured American values, despite the heavy Italian-American presence on the bench.

“I’ll take a Dave’s ‘Hot & Juicy’ over Pad Thai or whatever other foreign dreck they shell out [at Noodles],” added Justice Alito in his post-case written opinion.

The dissenting opinion headed by Justice Ginsburg was markedly critical of the order, including her concerns of Wendy’s limited—if not reasonably priced—selection.