Q: Are roundabouts are unraveling the fabric of lincoln tourism?

A: Forget for a second you live in Lincoln, Neb. Lucky you. Now, right off the bat, I want to get something straight. I’m only doing this because the bowtied ingrates I have to sit next to on the weekends “strongly suggested” I address some of the “glaring concerns” with my administration before my “untimely removal from office.”

If this wasn’t a gig I was sure I’d have in the bag for the next dozen years or so, I might be more apt to respond to what you mouth-breathing corn-growers have to say to me. However, unbeknownst to me, my soon-to-be-fired secretary Janet felt it necessary to reinstall the mayoral suggestion box I had forcibly hurled into a dumpster on my first day in office. This left me with a couple thousand neatly-folded index cards with some of your ridiculous opinions chicken-scratched on them. Not that I read the damn things, I just heard it was pretty awful.

Speaking of awful, Janet tells me there’s some hubbub over my roundabouts we’re installing all over the city. I only caught about half of it: it’s hard to hear her over that mole she has on her face, but I remember some nonsense about confused out-of-towners, traffic delays, and unnecessary expenditures coming from my precious paved circular beauties.

Let me be the first to tell you that you’re exactly right. What better way to get the snaggle-toothed, dim-witted carpetbaggers the hell off my precious streets than ass-backwards and seemingly endless loops that cause more trouble than they’re worth? We dropped a cool three mill’ on the stadium pair alone, and you know what? I couldn’t be happier.

What I can’t stand is all these simpletons aching about the new Superior roundabout. Last time I checked nobody wants to go to Walgreens or ACE Hardware anyway, so what’s it to you if I shut down a couple city blocks to do it? Obviously Lincoln construction crews aren’t the best in the business; why do you think I hired them? Pretty sure if I wanted smooth traffic and cost-effective results I could scrounge up a fistful of panhandlers who could do it better. Strap in folks, we’re in this for the long haul. I’d say it’s the Beutler way or the highway, but we all know what it’s like getting on I-80 from downtown.